Ladies Choice

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14

I've never been very confident in myself. Granted, some of that comes naturally by simply being a woman. Feeling inadequate in so many different ways. And no matter how many times people try to tell you how they see you and how God sees you, it won't really sink in until you make a choice. Until God shows you Himself. It isn't anyone else's job to make you discover a clear view of yourself. At least for me, I've completely closed the door and bolted it shut. You know, that door that allows you to base your feelings and self image off the way other people see you. I want God to show me Himself. I want to believe it whole heartedly, to see the reasons why He would choose me. And because I need to choose Him. No one else can do that for me.

...Okay...

• Last weekend had my sister's wedding back in Michigan. Caught the bouquet..okay, well...slid into it, and received $500 for my wedding that does not exist! I can let it sit in my savings account and build interest for a while :)
  
• This week is the last week of classes. This weekend I'm throwing Tristen's Bachelorette/Lingerie Party, it'll be great fun.
  
• Next week is finals. I'm also moving into my apartment next weekend!
• I start Summer Classes May 5th. I'm so excited to have an excuse to go out and shoot photos! I want to begin working on a portfolio this summer. Yep, we'll be opening for business in no time.
  
• Tristen and Brandon's wedding is in 2 weeks!!
• Relay For Life is in 3 weeks!
  
• I have carpal tunnel and some other issue. :(
  
• Here's the kicker, my mom's getting married. In June. She just informed us today. Hmm...
  

Hence my lack of keeping up with anything these days.

Season

Sometimes we must be crumbled so that wildflowers may come up where we are.

There's Dissonance in the Universe

Concert Choir tour was AMAZING. I already miss everyone. I can't even begin to name off all the barriers God has broken through this tour. I've been hiding away for way too long. I've forgotten how precious and important my friendships and relationships with other people are. That's what's been missing this whole time. It was refreshing and I'm so glad of it.

I think it's pointless to have a middle name and never use it. So, everyone needs to call me Lis Ann from now until forever. Tell me your middle name and I'll use yours, too. ;)

I'm thinking of starting a team for the Relay For Life this year. I've been inspired to be a Team Captain after witnessing so many wonderful people I love and admire be affected by cancer this year (or even just in the past couple months!). I know I'm donating a luminaria in memory of my dad. I really want to do this. I want to get over myself and start using the tools God has equipped me with to make change, and God knows that cancer has had a huge impact on my life, so I want to "celebrate, remember, and fight back" with others who have also been impacted by cancer. In the morning there will be a 5k, so I FINALLY get to do my run for a cause! I suppose that'll suffice for having to miss the 10k last summer. :)

I don't really know what to say. I'm moving on Sunday, so tomorrow is all packing. I'm happy. Very happy. This will be good. It'll be temporary but that's okay, there's change, and I need change.

Anyway, I have a paper to write for Jane Austen!

Alchemy

My new Western Digital Harddrive is scheduled to arrive today. I'm pretty excited..it'll be nice to free up a LOT of space on my laptop so I can actually get some work done! It's always telling me it's running out of space and I'm fully aware of it. I just have so much to save!

I've been fighting a cold for the past couple days. I've been at the point during the beginning of it where I can sing really high and it makes me sound really good in choir. I love those days, I feel so cool. Then it takes a complete turn around and I end up sounding more like...a bass. When you're a first Soprano, this permits a bit of difficulty.

The other night Tristen, Nicole, and I went out for some wedding-planning fun (for those of you who are not familiar, it isn't MY wedding. Tristen, my best friend, is getting married May 8 ;) ). It was such a good time (regardless of my embarassing moments that they found hilarious enough to tell the whole world), I really need to do that more often. Sometimes I get so caught up in all the seemingly serious things in life, when I finally let myself do something like this, I realize how incredibly uptight I can be. I just don't want to forget to enjoy life amidst all the seriousness of growing up on your own.

God is good. Have I mentioned that lately? I look at the course of events over the past few years and where it seems my future is headed and I can't help but thank Him for this journey. I feel like things are finally taking a turn-around, and I'm so glad. I know that as time passes I'll see more reasons why God put me through the things He has at such a young age. I have some incredible people in my life. I never would have made it through any of this without them. I'm really grateful.

Class time.

Albert

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

Albert Einstein echoing my thoughts.

Although I love learning, knowledge is such a vast subject, but imagination is universal in the sense that it is universally expected to be different from person to person. Knowledge is knowledge, and people may be expected to act upon another person's knowledge, but when you're acting upon your imagination you're limitless. Yet, knowledge itself can be different from person to person in the sense that each person has knowledge about different things. So I suppose it would be safe to say that knowledge itself can not be expected, although it very often is, to be universally the same.

My fate is being decided and I'm excited and terrified and giddy and amused and curious and a million other things I can't identify. This is one of those moments where ignorance is bliss and all I have is the knowledge that God has my best interest in mind.

It's positively glorious. :)

Slksadjalkdjaodi

So basically, I don't know what I want in life. But yet, at the same time I do, but I'm afraid to pursue it for God knows why. I think a lot of things have served their purposes in my life and now it's just kind of time to move on. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to get out of being this confused little girl and actually be sure of something for once. I just become so timid and scared because I want to be cautious, and I am to the point where I'm too cautious and end up going nowhere. But it's partially that God has transformed me so much in the past couple years I'm still trying to discover who this person is that He's had me become. I can honestly say that the person I was in high school and even my first year and a half of college is a completely different person. I feel no connection with her. It's like some distant memories that happened to another person and I just so happened to be there. But there are some mornings I wake up and ask myself, "Who am I?" It's been this struggle I've had for so long, because deep down I know the answer but I forget. Partially as a result of attempting to keep the peace. I have some amazing friends who, regardless of how exhausting it must get when I can't answer the question myself, repeat the answer back to me over and over again. I honestly do appreciate them. They always see my self-worth when I can't because I'm swept away by a whirlwind of confusion for one reason or a trillion.

So my destiny. Photography. I want to get serious about it. It's the first career path I have been able to look at and say, I could totally do that and be successful. There are so many things I've done my entire life that I can actually apply to a business such as this. Does this mean I leave Evangel (again)? I don't know yet. I just discovered they added a photography minor this year and sent them a message asking for more info. Basically right now it's taking a lot of prayer.

One thing I've realized like...yesterday: I originally came to Evangel because I wanted to ground my faith. I was originally looking at attending NYU for Arts but felt God calling me to Evangel in little Springfield, MO. I was afraid that if I went to a secular school at that time, I would not have survived spiritually. But I've just realized that I've come an extremely long way. Getting this job downtown has helped me realize that I am ready to work as a Christian in the secular world, and perhaps that's why I've been so stir-crazy in this little bubble I've been trapped in. I'm ready to expand my resources outside of traditional ministry. And this is something I never thought I would be able to do, but honestly it doesn't taint me in the slightest. I feel completely confident when I'm not around other Christians that they won't affect my way if thinking, and if they do, it's only so that I can better understand them. But I have a strong enough foundation that I can take something such as photography and apply it to both worlds. It's awesome.

Ahhhhhh