Wednesday, February 11, 2009


So basically, I don't know what I want in life. But yet, at the same time I do, but I'm afraid to pursue it for God knows why. I think a lot of things have served their purposes in my life and now it's just kind of time to move on. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to get out of being this confused little girl and actually be sure of something for once. I just become so timid and scared because I want to be cautious, and I am to the point where I'm too cautious and end up going nowhere. But it's partially that God has transformed me so much in the past couple years I'm still trying to discover who this person is that He's had me become. I can honestly say that the person I was in high school and even my first year and a half of college is a completely different person. I feel no connection with her. It's like some distant memories that happened to another person and I just so happened to be there. But there are some mornings I wake up and ask myself, "Who am I?" It's been this struggle I've had for so long, because deep down I know the answer but I forget. Partially as a result of attempting to keep the peace. I have some amazing friends who, regardless of how exhausting it must get when I can't answer the question myself, repeat the answer back to me over and over again. I honestly do appreciate them. They always see my self-worth when I can't because I'm swept away by a whirlwind of confusion for one reason or a trillion.

So my destiny. Photography. I want to get serious about it. It's the first career path I have been able to look at and say, I could totally do that and be successful. There are so many things I've done my entire life that I can actually apply to a business such as this. Does this mean I leave Evangel (again)? I don't know yet. I just discovered they added a photography minor this year and sent them a message asking for more info. Basically right now it's taking a lot of prayer.

One thing I've realized like...yesterday: I originally came to Evangel because I wanted to ground my faith. I was originally looking at attending NYU for Arts but felt God calling me to Evangel in little Springfield, MO. I was afraid that if I went to a secular school at that time, I would not have survived spiritually. But I've just realized that I've come an extremely long way. Getting this job downtown has helped me realize that I am ready to work as a Christian in the secular world, and perhaps that's why I've been so stir-crazy in this little bubble I've been trapped in. I'm ready to expand my resources outside of traditional ministry. And this is something I never thought I would be able to do, but honestly it doesn't taint me in the slightest. I feel completely confident when I'm not around other Christians that they won't affect my way if thinking, and if they do, it's only so that I can better understand them. But I have a strong enough foundation that I can take something such as photography and apply it to both worlds. It's awesome.


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