Sunday, June 7, 2009

You're here, In my heart
You're the light, that guides me through the dark
You walk beside me, when night seems cold
Each time I fall, your arms are there to hold

You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known

And I am not alone
You walk beside me
I am not alone

You're here, in my mind
I talk to you, and all my fears unwind
I know I'm loved, for who I am
You make me want to be
the best that I can

You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known

And I am not alone
You walk beside me
I am not alone
Wherever the road leads

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
And because of you

I am not alone
You're always right beside me
I am not alone

In the sun, in the rain
Through the good times
And in all of the pain
You are always right beside me

I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand

I am not alone
I know, You're right here.

('I Am Not Alone' - Natalie Grant)


You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Isaiah 26:3

Yesterday I was skimming over my old handwritten journals. It's kind of embarrassing how dramatic I get sometimes, geeze. But wow. I've gone through about three journals with shaky faith. I look back and wonder, how could I? I'm so self-absorbed and whiny. I actually annoy myself sometimes. What happened to the faith I had when I first started writing on paper? Minus all the ridiculous theatrics. I was just trying to be like Anne of Green Gables and Audrey Hepburn.

But for about 3 years I've been soul searching in all the places in the world, but not in the one place I know I will truly discover my purpose; In Christ. I've been so stupid. So selfish, so stubborn, so ridiculous, so blind, and stupid.

But something's changed. I surrendered. Completely again. Forget myself, forget people, forget this world. I want my God and only my God. My life has been so empty and aimless for far too long.

It's different now. God is opening doors for me, I almost hear His voice again. He's loved me so much more than I could ever deserve. I deserve for Him to turn away from me forever, but He's here. He's been here. He's the friend, the parent, the lover, the confidant I've been searching for to trust with my joys and sorrows. He knows my heart. He knows me, even when I don't know myself.

And I'm sorry. I'm so desperately sorry for all my mistakes, for failing Him so miserably. It's not His fault. He hasn't moved. It's all my doing. All my self-infliction.

But change is finally here.