Monday, April 14, 2008

You Change Me

After writing in my journal
(my real one that is not seen by the public) a moment ago,
I thought I'd look back through it just to see what God
has done in my life the past year.

And after writing what I had just written,
what I read from before made so much sense.

God has healed me through circumstances that
I would not have chosen, but a year ago I was afraid.
I had no confidence in myself and I was afraid of not
measuring up to my future husband.
A year ago, I would have taken my current circumstances
and blamed it all on myself.
I would have thought that somehow,
I did something to deserve this.

But God had this happen not to show me that I'm still not ready.
Someone made me realize that perhaps this is happening because
God is showing me just how far I have come.
And I'm more prepared than I think.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't need someone else,
whether a guy or just my friends,
to measure my self-worth.

And I can lose trust in everyone I had ever put my trust in,
but I've spent the past two years establishing who I am in God.
And nothing Satan tries to throw at me can separate me from it.
Not even my own human nature.

A year ago, this would have brought me back to Ground Zero.
But I feel stronger. I feel more ready.
And I don't have to sit here lying to myself so I that feel stronger.
I am stronger.

After telling me the story of how God put her and her husband together,
one of the costume ladies from the show, Larla, spoke to me in tears
telling me that God will prove His faithfulness,
And He is in control and loves us and will work out
every single little detail.

And I started crying, and told her I so desperately
needed to hear that. So we cried and hugged
and she told me to just trust God.

He will make known to me His faithfulness.

And I will make known to Him mine.

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