Breaking Free

I just made an unexpected trip home. My grandpa isn't doing too well. Cancer has spread all over his body and I think that's the last time I'll be seeing him until God decides to take me home. I'm glad he got to spend the few years with us that he did (he's my step-grandpa), he's truly a great man, and it just reminds me that time is too precious to waste. But I hate goodbyes. Most of them anyway. I hate witnessing others in pain and not being able to do anything about it. I can't even imagine what they must think or feel. However, without goodbyes God would be limited from doing a lot of things that change allows Him to do.

Speaking of change, nothing is the same back home anymore. My sister's married. My brother and sister in law have a new house. My cousin has moved. My mom is now remarried and lives out in the country. I love the place, it was so nice to be out in the middle of nowhere with an open field and trees and space to breathe away from the city. I love small towns. Or really, I love country when it's near a city. I get so stressed out in Springfield with there being over 160,000 people and hardly any space that hasn't been industrialized.

I went through the rest of my boxes while I was there. I'm going to attempt to sell the majority of it on eBay. It was strange going through my boxes. I can hardly believe that girl was me. And it's only been 3 years but so many things can change in a short amount of time. Like my habit of blogging. I used to do it at least 3-5 times a week and now it's hardly ever. Granted, I started writing on paper (which is kind of backwards, but I've always been a little old-school) and so much has changed I feel too vulnerable just putting everything out here. My thoughts have been such a mess since my dad died it's been taking me a very long time to get them back in order. But hey, I'm getting there.

For example: I realized going into college I didn't really have a goal. I just went into music because it was all I really knew. Why? Okay, this is going to sound incredibly ridiculous, but up until I graduated my only goal in life, honestly, was to succeed in our high school Show Choir. No joke. I was hoping I could do it forever, but I knew it had to end sometime. I mean really, who does Show Choir as a career? That's right, no one. And I love music, but I don't want to teach it, I don't want to be famous...so where does that leave me? Being in choir for the rest of my life? That won't get me anywhere either.

So I've been searching for that niche. That thing that I feel is what God is calling me to do, that I won't be doing for the wrong reasons and just..fits. Yeah, it's taken me time to decide and test the waters. But while I was home and talking to my grandma (my dad's mom) she said something that soothed every bit of my worries about me not deciding while all my friends just jumped into their careers: A lot of people get stuck in the idea that you need to get started early and stay in the same place in order to be successful. But how are you going to reach your full potential if you don't test the waters to figure out what exactly it is you're meant to do? And think of all the experience you get with so many different things along the way, how could that possibly NOT help you? There's a reason God puts you through it, and it's okay to be different from the mold.

Thanks Grandma, I'm glad I have your support.

So here is my hope: I have an interview next month. A very important interview that can determine my entire destiny. That will cause me to relocate (Moving back up North, yay!! But no, not back up to Michigan), focus, and go in a completely new direction. Thus my getting rid of the majority of my things because I'm trying this new thing where I embrace the fact that part of my calling is to be a drifter. (haha..that's a joke. Or...is it?)

In other news, school starts back up in a few weeks and I'm moving out of my apartment into a cutesy little town home with this lovely widow that I'll be helping to take care of. I'm pretty sure she's very close to what I'll be like when I'm elderly. Love company, and spend my free time shopping and going to the Opera. Oh, and I'll have a cute little hypoallergenic dog, too.

That's about it. This is longer than normal but hey, that's why I should update more often.

You're here, In my heart
You're the light, that guides me through the dark
You walk beside me, when night seems cold
Each time I fall, your arms are there to hold

You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known

And I am not alone
You walk beside me
I am not alone

You're here, in my mind
I talk to you, and all my fears unwind
I know I'm loved, for who I am
You make me want to be
the best that I can

You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known

And I am not alone
You walk beside me
I am not alone
Wherever the road leads

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
And because of you

I am not alone
You're always right beside me
I am not alone

In the sun, in the rain
Through the good times
And in all of the pain
You are always right beside me

I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand

I am not alone
I know, You're right here.

('I Am Not Alone' - Natalie Grant)

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You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Isaiah 26:3

Yesterday I was skimming over my old handwritten journals. It's kind of embarrassing how dramatic I get sometimes, geeze. But wow. I've gone through about three journals with shaky faith. I look back and wonder, how could I? I'm so self-absorbed and whiny. I actually annoy myself sometimes. What happened to the faith I had when I first started writing on paper? Minus all the ridiculous theatrics. I was just trying to be like Anne of Green Gables and Audrey Hepburn.

But for about 3 years I've been soul searching in all the places in the world, but not in the one place I know I will truly discover my purpose; In Christ. I've been so stupid. So selfish, so stubborn, so ridiculous, so blind, and again...so stupid.

But something's changed. I surrendered. Completely again. Forget myself, forget people, forget this world. I want my God and only my God. My life has been so empty and aimless for far too long.

It's different now. God is opening doors for me, I almost hear His voice again. He's loved me so much more than I could ever deserve. I deserve for Him to turn away from me forever, but He's here. He's been here. He's the friend, the parent, the lover, the confidant I've been searching for to trust with my joys and sorrows. He knows my heart. He knows me, even when I don't know myself.

And I'm sorry. I'm so desperately sorry for all my mistakes, for failing Him so miserably. It's not His fault. He hasn't moved. It's all my doing. All my self-infliction.

But change is finally here.

You don't alter Vera Wang to fit you, you alter yourself to fit Vera Wang!

Hahaha, so I love taking those online qiuzzes to fill time and procrastinate. Vera Wang has this fragrance line called "Princess" and there was this quiz to "Find Out What Kind of Princess you Are!" How could I pass something like this up?? Check out the results I got:

You're a...BOHEMIAN PRINCESS. After the party, Bohemian Princess stopped by the coffee house where she worked to perform a spoken word reading. She read a couple of her poems and unbeknownst to her a publisher was there listening. He was so impressed he gave her a book deal on the spot and sent her off to Paris to write poems and be inspired. While there she met and fell instantly in love with a famous French poet. She continued to write, donating much of her money to charity. Because of her talent and philanthropy Hollywood did a movie version of her life and she lived happily ever after in Paris on the left bank, knowing how to live right.

I, Bohemian Princess, promise to always express myself in an original way, to remember to eat organic, be sure to go to graduate school and/or live abroad, never forget to support my friends in their jewelry, pottery and/or writing endeavors, and to always wear Vera Wang Princess.

I especially like the parts about the coffee shop where I work and always eating organic. I found that hilariously ironic!

There Is Freedom

Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

This was perfectly timed. Imagine that, God knows what He's doing. As much as I wish to be completely invisible most days, I sense God slowly nudging me in another direction.

Be strong and courageous.

But God, I just want to live my life without people acknowledging my existence so much. If I'm invisible, my self-esteem doesn't get knocked down a couple notches every time I leave my home. You see what I'm saying?

But I have something more.

But I'm not capable. I'm a magnet for disaster. I never do things right or say the right things..I can't even come into contact with a single flight of stairs without falling down them or have a coherent conversation with a stranger without babbling or embarrassing myself in some way.

I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.

...Okay you have a point. Sigh. Alright. Jesus, take the wheel.

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And that is the gist of my convos with God as of late. Finally, I'm letting Him win. Not that I was winning before. I was just trying to win and failing miserably, causing this game to last longer than necessary.

Ladies Choice

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14

I've never been very confident in myself. Granted, some of that comes naturally by simply being a woman. Feeling inadequate in so many different ways. And no matter how many times people try to tell you how they see you and how God sees you, it won't really sink in until you make a choice. Until God shows you Himself. It isn't anyone else's job to make you discover a clear view of yourself. At least for me, I've completely closed the door and bolted it shut. You know, that door that allows you to base your feelings and self image off the way other people see you. I want God to show me Himself. I want to believe it whole heartedly, to see the reasons why He would choose me. And because I need to choose Him. No one else can do that for me.

...Okay...

• Last weekend had my sister's wedding back in Michigan. Caught the bouquet..okay, well...slid into it, and received $500 for my wedding that does not exist! I can let it sit in my savings account and build interest for a while :)
  
• This week is the last week of classes. This weekend I'm throwing Tristen's Bachelorette/Lingerie Party, it'll be great fun.
  
• Next week is finals. I'm also moving into my apartment next weekend!
• I start Summer Classes May 5th. I'm so excited to have an excuse to go out and shoot photos! I want to begin working on a portfolio this summer. Yep, we'll be opening for business in no time.
  
• Tristen and Brandon's wedding is in 2 weeks!!
• Relay For Life is in 3 weeks!
  
• I have carpal tunnel and some other issue. :(
  
• Here's the kicker, my mom's getting married. In June. She just informed us today. Hmm...
  

Hence my lack of keeping up with anything these days.

Season

Sometimes we must be crumbled so that wildflowers may come up where we are.