Alchemy

My new Western Digital Harddrive is scheduled to arrive today. I'm pretty excited..it'll be nice to free up a LOT of space on my laptop so I can actually get some work done! It's always telling me it's running out of space and I'm fully aware of it. I just have so much to save!

I've been fighting a cold for the past couple days. I've been at the point during the beginning of it where I can sing really high and it makes me sound really good in choir. I love those days, I feel so cool. Then it takes a complete turn around and I end up sounding more like...a bass. When you're a first Soprano, this permits a bit of difficulty.

The other night Tristen, Nicole, and I went out for some wedding-planning fun (for those of you who are not familiar, it isn't MY wedding. Tristen, my best friend, is getting married May 8 ;) ). It was such a good time (regardless of my embarassing moments that they found hilarious enough to tell the whole world), I really need to do that more often. Sometimes I get so caught up in all the seemingly serious things in life, when I finally let myself do something like this, I realize how incredibly uptight I can be. I just don't want to forget to enjoy life amidst all the seriousness of growing up on your own.

God is good. Have I mentioned that lately? I look at the course of events over the past few years and where it seems my future is headed and I can't help but thank Him for this journey. I feel like things are finally taking a turn-around, and I'm so glad. I know that as time passes I'll see more reasons why God put me through the things He has at such a young age. I have some incredible people in my life. I never would have made it through any of this without them. I'm really grateful.

Class time.

Albert

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

Albert Einstein echoing my thoughts.

Although I love learning, knowledge is such a vast subject, but imagination is universal in the sense that it is universally expected to be different from person to person. Knowledge is knowledge, and people may be expected to act upon another person's knowledge, but when you're acting upon your imagination you're limitless. Yet, knowledge itself can be different from person to person in the sense that each person has knowledge about different things. So I suppose it would be safe to say that knowledge itself can not be expected, although it very often is, to be universally the same.

My fate is being decided and I'm excited and terrified and giddy and amused and curious and a million other things I can't identify. This is one of those moments where ignorance is bliss and all I have is the knowledge that God has my best interest in mind.

It's positively glorious. :)

Slksadjalkdjaodi

So basically, I don't know what I want in life. But yet, at the same time I do, but I'm afraid to pursue it for God knows why. I think a lot of things have served their purposes in my life and now it's just kind of time to move on. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to get out of being this confused little girl and actually be sure of something for once. I just become so timid and scared because I want to be cautious, and I am to the point where I'm too cautious and end up going nowhere. But it's partially that God has transformed me so much in the past couple years I'm still trying to discover who this person is that He's had me become. I can honestly say that the person I was in high school and even my first year and a half of college is a completely different person. I feel no connection with her. It's like some distant memories that happened to another person and I just so happened to be there. But there are some mornings I wake up and ask myself, "Who am I?" It's been this struggle I've had for so long, because deep down I know the answer but I forget. Partially as a result of attempting to keep the peace. I have some amazing friends who, regardless of how exhausting it must get when I can't answer the question myself, repeat the answer back to me over and over again. I honestly do appreciate them. They always see my self-worth when I can't because I'm swept away by a whirlwind of confusion for one reason or a trillion.

So my destiny. Photography. I want to get serious about it. It's the first career path I have been able to look at and say, I could totally do that and be successful. There are so many things I've done my entire life that I can actually apply to a business such as this. Does this mean I leave Evangel (again)? I don't know yet. I just discovered they added a photography minor this year and sent them a message asking for more info. Basically right now it's taking a lot of prayer.

One thing I've realized like...yesterday: I originally came to Evangel because I wanted to ground my faith. I was originally looking at attending NYU for Arts but felt God calling me to Evangel in little Springfield, MO. I was afraid that if I went to a secular school at that time, I would not have survived spiritually. But I've just realized that I've come an extremely long way. Getting this job downtown has helped me realize that I am ready to work as a Christian in the secular world, and perhaps that's why I've been so stir-crazy in this little bubble I've been trapped in. I'm ready to expand my resources outside of traditional ministry. And this is something I never thought I would be able to do, but honestly it doesn't taint me in the slightest. I feel completely confident when I'm not around other Christians that they won't affect my way if thinking, and if they do, it's only so that I can better understand them. But I have a strong enough foundation that I can take something such as photography and apply it to both worlds. It's awesome.

Ahhhhhh

I'd most certainly recommend them to a friend, however, I do not pride them in being suitable for myself.

“God has a plan. If God had not foreordained the course of events but waited until some undetermined condition was or was not fulfilled, His decrees could be neither eternal nor immutable. We know, however, that He is incapable of mistake, and that He cannot be surprised by any unforeseen inconveniences. His kingdom is in the heavens and He rules over all. His plan must, therefore, include every event in the entire sweep of history.”
Loraine Boettner, “The Reformed Doctrine of Predestination”

I honestly don't think I could be studying a novel such as "Sense & Sensibility" at a more prominent time. My struggles as of late are such that have left me completely torn between two worlds. I am praised by one side for being so creative, while at the same time being scolded by the other for not fitting into the cookie cutter processes this world supposedly calls for. Why can't you observe both? I think it's perfectly possible. And as long as my motivation is to please God, where can I go wrong? It's just difficult for me to accept that God would create us as emotional beings with hopes, dreams, desires, and feelings so that we can suppress them to be successful in this world.

This world is not my home.

So why strive so hard to be a part of it? I'm book-smart and I have common sense, but even my common sense will tell me that God designed me as a relational-oriented person as oppose to a task-oriented person (although there is a hint of that within myself...or that could just be OCD) with full intent. And who am I to put a price-tag on His blessings?

I understand there is a goal that is to be reached and I will not always be completely satisfied with the necessary means of reaching that goal. That's fine. That's acceptable. That's reality. But to be chided for [finally] finding the courage to pursue one's interests specifically so that they may actually put their gifts and talents to use instead of frantically seeking things in places they'll never find them seems unreasonable.

I let go of it, told God where my heart was and that I couldn't decide if I was right or wrong or both. And this time I really gave it to Him. I fasted for it. I prayed about it constantly. I had to force myself to stop worrying. And what happened? Even though I was willing and opened doors to do the "sensible" thing against all that I felt and desired to do, God gave me what I wished for.

I'm still unsure of several things, but at least I can say that God hears me. And He does indeed care about the things I care about. As long as my ultimate goal and motivation is geared toward Heaven, I have nothing to lose. Because apart from God, I am nothing, regardless of what this world claims priorities should be. I'm very glad that God does not look at us as statistics.

We want to taste and see the plans you have for our little lives. Plans for us to prosper, far away from harm. You will come and answer, when we pray to you, our God. Plans to give us hope.

You'll be found by us when we seek you with all our hearts.

Who is to mark time? And how are we to outrun it?

"Why didn't you go to art school?"

...Why DIDN'T I go to art school?!

I guess the more obvious answer to this would be that God called me to work in women's ministry. And I learn better on my own. I also suppose that you don't necessarily need a degree in art in order to be considered good. Where as a woman in ministry (especially a single woman at that), it helps to have a degree (and a pastor for a husband).

Speaking of which, I was looking at the job offers outside of the Theology Department this morning and most of them required the individual to be married. What if you're called to singleness?? What if you're single for the mere fact that you're actually setting yourself apart and trusting that God is going to bring the man of your dreams into your life and lead you into a pure, God-glorifying relationship? I would think if that were to happen during the course of a single person's time as, say, a Youth Pastor, it would be a GREAT example to young people about God's original intent for relationships and marriage.

But I'm just a single girl trying to go into ministry.

Thank God for Etsy. ;)

See ya in April.

I got a camera. I can hardley express my total excitement to finally pursue something I've been interested in for so long.

I now have the power to capture memories. Feelings. Beauty.
Time.

I'm heading back to Missouri tonight! I'm eager to start school again!

Happy New Year!

Because.

FINALLY got home at 4am. It took me about 27 hours to get home. My first train was 5 hours late. What was supposed to be a 5.5 hour train ride lasted 7 hours.

Finally got to Chicago.

My wallet got stolen within the first 15 minutes I was there.

I have no money, ID, and I've probably just gotten my identity stolen.

But one lady blessed me with $20 so I could eat, and another girl gave me a granola bar (at this point, I hadn't eaten anything all day).

Then the next train home was delayed for at least another 5 and a half hours, but luckily Matt was only a few hours away and was heading home so he came and picked me up, and my train still hadn't left.

Then, like I said, finally got home at 4am. My mom and sister welcomed me with signs and a tiara and balloons and those party noise makers. That was enjoyable, especially after one of the crappiest days ever.

Canceled all my cards and memberships today. But I'm still a little worried about my Soc. Guess we'll find out on my credit reports. And I'll need to get a new license the moment I get back. Except I can't drive to get there.

But I have to wonder...what idiot would steal a wallet from a college student? They'll be sorely disappointed. And I hope they are. Jerk.

Now I just have to find a way to get home without any identity but a ticket stub.

But at least here there's lots and lots of snow. :) And familiar faces.