Could You Look At Me With Some Imagination?

When there's nothing to believe in, I believe in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you


My vision seems so clouded. By what, I'm not entirely sure. That's not true...I think deep down I know that the enemy is attacking me from every side. And it has caused me to at some point down this road slide back into the trap of working to please others. Working so hard just so I can be deemed adequate by others. Instead of working only to please my heavenly father.

I think between the attacks and stings of the enemy I finally feel weak and defeated.

"I think you are stronger and wiser than you used to be. You just don't see it. Don't give up! God keeps his promises and he wants to give you an extraordinary life to the full!"

There is so much that I don't understand, but so desperately wish I did.

How I want to trust God and allow Him to love me. But the longer time goes by, the less I think I know what love even is.


You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh, my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You could steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

Psalm 27:13-14

"Yet I am confident I will see
the Lord's goodness while I am
here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."


I'm moving out...it's a long story...but I could use some prayer that everything goes smoothly.

And perhaps a little encouragement as well.

Thanks. :)


“Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Ephesians 4:2

You're Always Missing Someone

My facebook status:
Lis misses all her friends who went home for the summer. :( Add her friends who are still in the 'Creek, too :(

Me: Well..I'm going to Target..
Me: Allll byyyy myseeellfff...
Don't wanna be..
all byyy myseeellff
aaaannnyymooooorrreeeeeee

Micaela: I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more..

:)

One thing I hate about growing up is that you're always missing someone.

Glad Marriage Tidings To You!

What do you say to someone who's getting married soon? "Happy Wedding! or "Glad Marriage Tidings to You!" "Congratulations" is more like something you'd say early on in the engagement. I've had a couple customers come in this week who are getting married this weekend, and I wanted to leave them with something...but I had nothing. And for a moment, I was entirely perplexed that I had no idea what to say.


I may never understand the ways of God. I wish I could tell the difference between God's voice and my own hopefulness. It's so difficult to comprehend the possibility that his will for me is something that I can't imagine experiencing. I feel so far from it, I'm unaware of what it is that I'm missing. It hardly seems likely to become a reality.

On another note, I'm beginning to feel my inspiration, excitement, passion, and love for knowledge again. I don't think the full-time classroom setting is for me. To be honest, I never paid much attention in class during high school. I'd simply take as many notes as I mindlessly could, then teach myself the material when I got home. Then I'd never have to study for a test and eventually graduated with a 3.8/4.0 GPA.

I think that if I could teach myself I could do perfectly fine and retain more information. Perhaps I will still graduate from Evangel. But with what? I know God is leading me into Women's Ministry, but I also have this desire and motivation deep within me to own a business (Archiver's, anyone? ;) ). And do I want to be confined to the AG forever? No.

I just want truth.

One thing I love about online journaling is that you can go back and fix your mistakes without scratching out your old mistakes and causing blobs and smears of ink all over the pages. Sometimes I go through what I call my actual journal (the one not seen by the public eye, because it is written down on paper and hidden away in my bedroom), and I find mistakes, misspellings, and grammatical errors that I wish to fix, but at the same time I don't want to make the entire work sloppy. It's an ongoing war that I choose to endure. I suppose all I can do is attempt at practicing things correctly the first time.

Next set of business...2 things I'm praying for God's provision:

First - Mercy Ministries. They friended me on myspace a while ago. They posted a bulletin the other day and it reminded me that they exist! It interested me, so I began looking into it.

What it is, is an organization that has facilities around the globe where young women (between ages 13-28) can go to seek help and guidance. A lot of them go there because of abuse, addiction, depression, etc. Mercy Ministries helps them through a program that allows them to recognize their self-worth and prepare them to reach their full potential. Eventually they graduate from the program with a new outlook and view of the world and themselves through God's eyes.

Their mission is for young women to experience God's unconditional love, forgiveness, and life-transforming power. They have an internship program I'm interested in. Their closest facility to me is in St. Louis. I don't know if I'd do it any time soon. Only if God leads me to.

They recently had a women's conference to celebrate their 25th anniversary and some of the women that spoke have spoken at James River, including Charlotte Scanlon-Gambill (whom I heard speak right before I left for tour) and Christine Caine (who will be speaking at our Women's Conference this fall). One of their mottos struck me:

Your past doesn't have to define your FUTURE.

Amen!

Second - Authentic Girl Fellowship. Eric and Leslie Ludy's books are THE books that really impacted and changed my life. There are usually those sources, people, and events that played a huge role in who you are today and have yet to become. Namely, When Dreams Come True and Authentic Beauty are some indicators of that turning point in my life.

Basically with the fellowship, I apply to begin my own Authentic Girl Fellowship group in my area. At the moment, I really feel this one set on my heart. I've chatted with some of my girl friends about their participation and their response contained such inspiring enthusiasm. I think it would be a great opportunity not only through campus, but also for young girls throughout the city of Springfield.

Well, it's late. Or early. And I must wake up early enough so that I may spend some long overdue time with some familiar faces. :)

Your Grace Is Sufficient For Me

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
2 Corinthians 4:16-17


Last week I had this incredible moment with God. I had been so stressed since I had returned from tour with my car not starting, the toll not being able to work for a month has on you, and Father's Day just around the corner.

I was lying on the floor staring up at the ceiling and started crying because I miss dad so much. I miss him calling me every day just to tell me he loves me, he's proud of me, and reassuring me that I'm doing things right. I began speaking out loud, and at first I just felt like i was talking to the ceiling...but then I realized God is really there. I can't fully comprehend it, but I have faith in a God who's alive and always with me. He sees it all. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I'm stranded out here all on my own. But I'm far from it.

He's real. He's there. God knows all of this. He's known it even before he died. I can feel Him. And He gives me peace. And I think He's beginning to reply.

For an update, my car is working now and I have a job at Michaels Arts and Crafts. :)

The other night I was watching Anne of Green Gables, as always. How alike the character of Anne and I are. She hated that her friends were growing up. Her, too. That things were changing. How inconsistent it all was.

And I like to think that I'm in favor of change and inconsistency. I am. But my inconsistency has become my consistency. Change and I have become well-acquainted friends. So if God wishes to give me something I can keep for a while, I need to willingly accept it without question or fear.


I found this video on Scarlett Lillian's photography blog (layout inspired by). I didn't know that Jeremy Camp wrote this song after his wife died. His testimony renewed the lyrics' meaning for me. I still accept and discover truth in all the things God has taught me to recognize in the past year since the passing of my father. No one has ever loved me like my father did, except God himself. And I need to remember to trust that. That God loves me as a father loves a daughter, and all of this is part of His will for me. I may never have all the answers...that's okay. As long as God keeps me safely in His secure embrace.

"I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Someday

Tour was great. There were so many great experiences. So many opportunities and relationships. So many new beginnings.

So much that God is doing behind the scenes that we're completely unaware of.

And now we're home sweet home. But my car won't start...which is a bit of dilemma. I need a job...and I need to be able to have transportation to that job.

But hey, I just found out that I can type 90 WPM. That makes me feel accomplished. ;)

And if I don't get the job at Hobby Lobby, my next choice is Barnes & Noble. Books and Coffee, two of my favorite things!

Now I try to discover where it is God is leading me. But the mystery of it all is a huge part of the adventure. I'm excited. I don't know what for, but I'm content with that. At least for the most part. :)

"When a soul sets out to find God it does not know
whither it will come and by what path it will be led;
but those who catch the vision are ready to follow the Lamb
wherever He goes, and it is as they follow,
obedient to what they have seen, in this spirit of joyful adventure,
that their path becomes clear before them,
and they are given the power to fulfill their high calling.
They are those who have the courage to break through conventionalities,
who care not at all what the world thinks of them,
because they are entirely taken up with the
tremendous realities of the soul and God."
Bishop Bardsley GC 159-162

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

You Change Me

After writing in my journal
(my real one that is not seen by the public) a moment ago,
I thought I'd look back through it just to see what God
has done in my life the past year.

And after writing what I had just written,
what I read from before made so much sense.

God has healed me through circumstances that
I would not have chosen, but a year ago I was afraid.
I had no confidence in myself and I was afraid of not
measuring up to my future husband.
A year ago, I would have taken my current circumstances
and blamed it all on myself.
I would have thought that somehow,
I did something to deserve this.

But God had this happen not to show me that I'm still not ready.
Someone made me realize that perhaps this is happening because
God is showing me just how far I have come.
And I'm more prepared than I think.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't need someone else,
whether a guy or just my friends,
to measure my self-worth.

And I can lose trust in everyone I had ever put my trust in,
but I've spent the past two years establishing who I am in God.
And nothing Satan tries to throw at me can separate me from it.
Not even my own human nature.

A year ago, this would have brought me back to Ground Zero.
But I feel stronger. I feel more ready.
And I don't have to sit here lying to myself so I that feel stronger.
I am stronger.

After telling me the story of how God put her and her husband together,
one of the costume ladies from the show, Larla, spoke to me in tears
telling me that God will prove His faithfulness,
And He is in control and loves us and will work out
every single little detail.

And I started crying, and told her I so desperately
needed to hear that. So we cried and hugged
and she told me to just trust God.

He will make known to me His faithfulness.

And I will make known to Him mine.