You Change Me

After writing in my journal
(my real one that is not seen by the public) a moment ago,
I thought I'd look back through it just to see what God
has done in my life the past year.

And after writing what I had just written,
what I read from before made so much sense.

God has healed me through circumstances that
I would not have chosen, but a year ago I was afraid.
I had no confidence in myself and I was afraid of not
measuring up to my future husband.
A year ago, I would have taken my current circumstances
and blamed it all on myself.
I would have thought that somehow,
I did something to deserve this.

But God had this happen not to show me that I'm still not ready.
Someone made me realize that perhaps this is happening because
God is showing me just how far I have come.
And I'm more prepared than I think.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't need someone else,
whether a guy or just my friends,
to measure my self-worth.

And I can lose trust in everyone I had ever put my trust in,
but I've spent the past two years establishing who I am in God.
And nothing Satan tries to throw at me can separate me from it.
Not even my own human nature.

A year ago, this would have brought me back to Ground Zero.
But I feel stronger. I feel more ready.
And I don't have to sit here lying to myself so I that feel stronger.
I am stronger.

After telling me the story of how God put her and her husband together,
one of the costume ladies from the show, Larla, spoke to me in tears
telling me that God will prove His faithfulness,
And He is in control and loves us and will work out
every single little detail.

And I started crying, and told her I so desperately
needed to hear that. So we cried and hugged
and she told me to just trust God.

He will make known to me His faithfulness.

And I will make known to Him mine.

God is in the rain...

I just ran around outside in the rain for almost an hour.
I'm completely dripping wet.
And my entire body is numb.

And this time I was alone.
Not a single kiss was stolen in the moonlight.

It was wonderful.

And who would've thought I'd be so impacted by
a quote from V for Vendetta (which I haven't even seen):
"God is in the rain..."

God is in the rain...

The rain is needed for things to bloom and grow.
To add color and beauty to an otherwise lifeless landscape.
To bring life to seeds that must die first in order to
become something unpredictable.

It cleanses. When water rushes against rocks it's purified.

I accept the rain.
The truth will set me free...

God's strength is tailor-made for weakness...

...We are never stronger than when we admit we are weak.

Sown in dishonor,
raised in glory;
sown in weakness,
raised in power.
1 Corinthians 15:43

I woke up this morning to the sunlight spilling through the window...
I forgot who I was for a little while. I'm not sure how or when it happened.
But God rescued me from darkness. He gave me intuition when I was being naive...
there were so many things I didn't see, but I'm glad I see them now rather than later.
I can handle emotional harm.

I think the sunlight was a promise.
It's still there even when it's cloudy and the rain is falling for weeks on end.
It shines just as radiant as always, even behind the clouds.

Love still exists no matter how much it's misused.
No matter how much it hides from me.

God's still there working out the details.
No matter how deafening His silence may be.
No matter how little of His work I see now.

And I can be as cautious as I'm humanly capable of being,
but I'm entering a season of re-discovering myself;
re-discovering God,
and who I am in Him alone.

I'm re-entering a season of freedom.


"When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way,
Still, you're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as you are near;
Please be near me to the end..."